A Bit of Clean Humor for this Beautiful Monday

 Priceless Humor:
Lost Chapter In Genesis

Adam had been moping around all day in the Garden of Eden and God finally said, “Adam, what’s up with all this moping?”
Adam told God that he was lonely. God said He could fix that, no problem.
In short order he could make a partner for Adam, and she would be called a “woman.”
God told Adam that the woman would collect his food, cook it for him, and care for all his needs and wants. She would also agree with all his decisions and not question his authority as head of the family.
God also said that she would bear his offspring and and not bother him in the middle of the night if the kids woke up and started crying.
She would never nag him and would admit when she was wrong. She would also freely give him love and passion whenever he needed it.
Adam said, “Wow, that’s a great partner! What is this woman-person going to cost me?”
And God replied, “An arm and a leg.”
Adam thought for a minute, then asked, “What can I get for a rib?”
And the rest is history.

Clean Funny
Senior Citizen Jokes:
“Hospital Regulations”

Hospital rules state that patients checking out must have a wheelchair.
One day a newly graduated nurse assistant came into the room to find an elderly man fully dressed. He was sitting on the bedside chair, with a piece of packed luggage at his side, all ready to go.
When he was shown the wheelchair, he was adamant that he was fully capable of walking himself to the parking lot.
But the assistant told him rules were rules, so he relented and let her wheel him out.
In the elevator, the assistant asked the elderly man if his wife was coming to meet him.
“I don’t think so,” he replied. “It takes her awhile to change her clothes, so she’s probably still upstairs in the bathroom taking off of her hospital gown and getting dressed.”

 

Priceless Humor:
Forgot The Keys

An elderly man had dinner at a very nice restaurant. After he finished his wine, he went to the men’s room, then walked out through the bar.
It was a beautiful evening, so he decided to leave his car in the parking lot and walk home.
When he arrived at his front door, he realized he didn’t have his keys. He finally figured they must be in his jacket pocket, which was still hanging in the restroom.
He walked back to the restaurant, found his jacket in the men’s room, and realized he’d left his hat on the table.
He strolled back to the dining room to retrieve his hat, and when he got to his table, his wife asked, “Is anything wrong? You took such a long time in there.”

Clean Funny
Senior Citizen Jokes:
“Hearing Better Now”

An elderly man was having hearing problems and went to see a specialist. The doctor fitted him with some hearing aids that brought his hearing back to full strength.
After a few weeks the man came back to make sure the new equipment was working properly, which it was.
The hearing specialist said, “It all seems perfect. Your family should be delighted you can hear everything now.”
“Oh no,” the man responded. “I haven’t told any of them. I just sit quietly, listening carefully. I’ve changed my will four times.”

 

Clean Funny
Senior Citizen Jokes:
“Write It Down”

A couple in their nineties are both having some short term memory loss.
While in for a checkup, the physician says that physically they’re okay, but since they’re having trouble remembering things, they might want to start writing things down.
Later that evening they’re sitting and reading, when the husband gets up.
“Would you like anything from the kitchen?” he asks.
“Some vanilla ice cream,” his wife replies.
“Okay.”
“Shouldn’t you write it down so you don’t forget it?” she asks.
“Don’t worry, I won’t forget.”
“Well,” she says. “A few raspberries on top would be great. You want to write that down?”
“I’ve got it, honey. A bowl of vanilla ice cream with raspberries on top.”
“And chocolate sauce, too. Maybe you’ll forget that. Want me to write it down for you?”
A little miffed, he replies, “I’ve got it! Ice cream, raspberries and chocolate sauce. I don’t need it written down, for gosh sakes!”
He waddles out to the the kitchen. A half hour later, he comes back with a plate of ham and scrambled eggs, and gives it to his wife.
She stares at the plate a few seconds, then says, “You forgot my toast.”

Clean Funny
Senior Citizen Jokes:
“The Game”

On an overseas flight, a lawyer and an older man were in adjoining seats.
The lawyer asked the senior if he’d like to play a little game. The older man was tired, and he told the lawyer he only wanted to sleep.
But the lawyer insisted the game was a lot of fun.
“Here’s how it works,” he said. “I’ll ask you a question. If you can’t come up with the answer, you have to give me a dollar. Then it’s your turn to ask me one. But if I can’t answer it, I have to give you $20.”
The senior figured if he just got this over with, maybe he could get some sleep. So he agreed to play.
The first question from the lawyer was “How far apart are the earth and the moon?”
The senior stayed completely silent, reached for a dollar, and gave it to the lawyer. Then he said, “My turn. What walks upstairs backward and comes downstairs forward?”
The lawyer was stumped. He thought and thought. He tried to remember all the riddles he knew. He searched every corner of his brain.
He even cheated and asked the flight attendants and other passengers.
Finally he gave up. He woke up the older man and gave him a twenty. The senior stuffed the twenty in his coat and went immediately back to sleep.
The lawyer couldn’t stand it. He woke up the older man and said, “I have to know. What walks upstairs backward and comes downstairs forward?”
The senior got out his wallet, gave the lawyer a dollar, and went back to sleep.

 

A young grandson asked his grandfather how old he was, and the grandpa teasingly replied, “Well, I’m not exactly sure how old I am.”
The little boy advised, “You have to look in your underwear, Grandpa. Mine says I’m 4 to 6.”

 

Priceless Humor: Dating Jokes

A female magician made her boyfriend vanish. How?
By asking for a commitment.

 

You can tell a girl likes you if she stares at your phone instead of her own.
– Kelkulus @Kelkulus

 

Bad news: I wasted four years responding to personal ads without ever getting a call back. Good news: I finally know what “obituary” means.
– Guy Endore-Kaiser

When you’re wondering whether she’s his daughter or his girlfriend, she’s his girlfriend.
– Pamela Druckerman

 

There is someone out there for everyone. Unfortunately, statistically speaking, based on the numbers, yours is probably in India or China.
– Ruminations.com

 

What men don’t realize is how many women date just so they won’t have to cook dinner.
– Melanie White

 

Funny Sayings:“Women,”

 

There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither works.
– Will Rogers
Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make men stupid.
– Dave Barry
The only reason I’d ever get a sex change operation is to see what it’s like to be right all the time.
– Brian ‏@JustASmirk
Women have more imagination than men. They need it to tell us how wonderful we are.
– Arnold H. Glasow

 

Hilarious Quotes:”Women” 

The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired.
– Milton Berle

When my wife says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space and write a poem on the moon before we go.
– Mike Vanatta

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she’s a tramp.
– Joan Rivers

The secret to winning an argument with a woman: They have to be dead.
– John Betz, Jr.
Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere.
– Mae West

All pretty girls are a trap, a pretty trap, and men expect them to be.

- Tennessee Williams

Women are like diesel engines. And what I mean by that is it may take a little while to get ’em warmed up, but once you do, they can run a long, long time. Whereas, men, on the other hand, men are more like bottle rockets.
– Jeff Foxworthy
Men are simpler than you imagine my sweet child. But what goes on in the twisted, tortuous minds of women would baffle anyone.
– Daphne du Maurier
Feminine intuition is a fiction and a fraud. It is nonsensical, illogical, emotional, ridiculous, and practically foolproof.
– Harry Haenigsen

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