You Might be a Conservative

You Might Be A Conservative…

You might be a conservative if…

  • You think “proletariat” is a type of cheese.
  • You’ve named your kids “Deduction one” and “Deduction two.”
  • You’ve tried to argue that poverty could be abolished if people were just allowed to keep more of their minimum wage.
  • You’ve ever referred to someone as “my (insert racial or ethnic minority here) friend”
  • You’ve ever tried to prove Jesus was a capitalist and opposed to welfare.
  • You’re a pro-lifer, but support the death penalty.
  • You think Huey Newton is a cookie.
  • The only union you support is the Baseball Players, because heck, they’re richer than you.
  • You think you might remember laughing once as a kid.
  • You once broke loose at a party and removed your neck tie.
  • You call mall rent-a-cops “jack-booted thugs.”
  • You’ve ever referred to the moral fiber of something.
  • You’ve ever uttered the phrase, “Why don’t we just bomb the sons of bitches.”
  • You’ve ever said, “I can’t wait to get into business school.”
  • You’ve ever called a secretary or waitress “Tootsie.”
  • You answer to “The Man.”
  • You don’t think “The Simpsons” is all that funny, but you watch it because that Flanders fellow makes a lot of sense.
  • You fax the FBI a list of “Commies in my Neighborhood.”
  • You don’t let your kids watch Sesame Street because you suspect Bert and Ernie of “sexual deviance.”
  • You use any of these terms to describe your wife: Old ball and chain, little woman, old lady, tax credit…
  • You scream “Dit-dit-ditto” while making love.
  • You’ve argued that art has a “moral foundation set in Western values.”
  • When people say “Marx,” you think “Groucho.”
  • You’ve ever yelled, “Hey hippie, get a haircut.”
  • You think Birkenstok was that radical rock concert in 1969.
  • You argue that you need 300 handguns, in case a bear ever attacks your home.
  • Vietnam makes a lot of sense to you.
  • You point to Hootie and the Blowfish as evidence of the end of racism in America.
  • You’ve ever said “civil liberties, schmivil schmiberties.”
  • You’ve ever said “Clean air? Looks clean to me.”
  • You’ve ever referred to Anita Hill as a “lying bitch” while attending a Bob Packwood fund-raiser.
  • You spent MLK Day reading “The Bell Curve.”
  • You’ve ever called education a luxury.
  • You look down through a glass ceiling and chuckle.
  • You wonder if donations to the Pentagon are tax-deductable.
  • You came of age in the ’60s and don’t remember Bob Dylan.
  • You own a vehicle with an “Ollie North: American Hero” sticker.
  • You’re afraid of the “liberal media.”
  • You ever based an argument on the phrase, “Well, tradition dictates….”
  • You’ve ever called the National Endowment for the Arts a bunch of pornographers.
  • You think all artists are gay.
  • You ever told a child that Oscar the Grouch “lives in a trash can because he is lazy and doesn’t want to contribute to society.”
  • You’ve ever urged someone to pull themselves up by their bootstraps, when they don’t even have shoes.
  • You confuse Lenin with Lennon.

Leave a Reply