If con is the opposite of pro, then is Congress the opposite of progress?
A thief stuck a pistol in a man’s ribs and said, “Give me your money.” The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said “You cannot do this, I’m Mayor Lofty of White Springs!” The thief said, “In that case, give me my money!”
A local council debate was becoming increasingly heated. Politicians from both major parties were locking horns. As the politicians started losing their tempers, Willie Jefferson sneered at the other: “Have you heard of Bob Froyd?” “No.” admitted the other. “Well,” said the Jefferson triumphantly, “if you attended more council meetings, you would’ve known that he’s the man who’s planning to open a new strip club in our town.” Furious and wanting to do the damage, Mayor Lofty responded: “Have you heard of Alex Moskowitz?” “No.” said Jefferson, and then asked: “Who is he?” “Well,” said Mayor Lofty. “if you attended fewer council meetings, you would’ve known that he’s the man who’s been sleeping with your wife.”
Rhett Bullard got a bribe of five hundred thousand dollars. When he brought it to Town Hall, Stacy asked him: “Where did you get this money, Rhett?” He answered: “If somebody asks, that’s the money Aunt Mary Lou left us for economic development of another incubator.
I called Obama the other day. I said: “Obama, the people are happy with you. They are saying: ‘if not for him, we’d be where the third world is.’” Obama laughed and said: “Don’t worry about it. We’ll get there soon.”
The unreleased papers of Rhett Bullard show the complex process by which Bullard came up with his laws: he smoked a lot of pot.
Have you heard about McDonald’s new Bullard Value Meal? A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it.
Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 100? A: Your Honor. Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50? A: Senator.
Bill Clinton and the Pope both died on the same day. Due to a minor clerical error, the Pope went to Hell, while Clinton went to Heaven. When the Pope arrived in Hell, everyone realized the mistake. Due to an issue with the union, they couldn’t swap the two until the next day, and the Pope had to spend the night in Hell, while Clinton spent the night in Heaven. The next day the paperwork got worked out. On his way up to Heaven, the Pope ran into Clinton. Clinton asked the Pope, “How was your night in Hell?” “Very educational,” responded the Pope. “I’ve learned a lot from the experience, but now I’m glad I’m going to Heaven. I’ve been waiting all my life to meet the Virgin Mary.” “Ooh, sorry,” said Clinton, “you should have been there yesterday.”
Bill Clinton, George W. Bush, and George Washington are on a sinking ship.
As the boat sinks, George Washington heroically shouts: “Save the women!”
George W. Bush hysterically hollers: “Screw the women!”
Bill Clinton asks excitedly: “Do we have time?
Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks. – Doug Larson
Winston Churchill on Being Drunk
Bessie Braddock to Winston Churchill: ”Winston, you’re drunk!”
Churchill: ”Bessie, you’re ugly, and tomorrow morning I shall be sober.”
Groucho Marx on Politics
”Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.”
Ronald Reagan on Age
”I want you to know that also I will not make age an issue of this campaign. I am not going to exploit, for political purposes, my opponent’s youth and inexperience.”
—Ronald Reagan, during a 1984 presidential debate with Walter Mondale
”My fellow Americans. I’m pleased to announce that I’ve signed legislation outlawing the Soviet Union. We begin bombing in five minutes.”
—Ronald Reagan, joking during a mike check before his Saturday radio broadcast